Think of a time when a close friend was facing something difficult or painful, when they were struggling to manage and felt bad about themselves as a result. How did you respond to them? Or how would you have wanted your best self to respond to a good friend in such a situation, should they reach out to you for care and support? Take note of what you would typically do, what you would say to them, and how you would say it.
Now, think of a time when you were facing something difficult or painful, when you were struggling to manage and felt bad about yourself as a result. How did you respond? Take note of what you would typically do, what you would say to yourself, and how you would say it.
Do you notice any differences between the two, and if so, why?! What is it that makes us treat and respond to others and ourselves so differently? Often, we are far more negative, judgmental, critical of, and hard on ourselves, than we are of those we care about. But we don’t have to be. After all, would we allow someone else to speak to us or treat us with the same harshness and criticism as we speak to and treat ourselves? Probably not, because we don’t deserve it. And we certainly don’t deserve it coming from ourselves.
Compassion
Compassion is not a foreign concept for most of us. Having compassion for others is likely something that we have considered, explored, pursued, or even made to be a commitment to uphold in our lives. So, what does that look like? Having compassion for others requires us to do a couple of things.
First, we must have awareness that someone is suffering. We must notice that they are struggling and that they are in pain because of that suffering. Second, as a result, we feel moved by that awareness, by the knowledge that another human being is hurting, and on some level, we ‘hurt with’ that person. This will usually fuel a desire to want to help or alleviate that suffering in some way as opposed to judging them for the difficulties that they are facing. Lastly, having compassion for others does not involve pity towards that person, but instead, spurs the realization that their struggle, their suffering, failures, and imperfectness, are all fundamental pieces of what it means to be human, and that we all share in that experience. We are all flawed. We all struggle. We all fail. And we are never alone in that truth.
Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is simply treating yourself with the same compassion that you already know how to give to others, at times when you are facing something difficult and struggling to manage, when things are not going the way you hoped, when you notice something about you that you dislike, when you make a mistake, or completely fail at something.
Kristin Neff is a leading researcher in “Self-Compassion”. According to Neff, self-compassion involves three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Our imperfections, feelings of inadequacy, our struggles, and our failures can easily cause us to feel bad about ourselves, because yes, those things hurt!
1. Self-kindness vs. Self-Judgment
When you feel inadequate, when you struggle, suffer, or fail, instead of ignoring that pain by pushing it aside, mercilessly judging, criticizing, and demanding more from yourself, grinning and bearing it in order to carry on, notice and acknowledge that you are struggling. Recognize that yes, it hurts. Say to yourself, “This is really, really, hard right now and it hurts.” Instead of feeling angry and allowing your inner critic to tell you that you messed up or are not enough, be kind to yourself. The reality is that these difficult situations are inevitable. Denying this reality often only leads to greater suffering, self-criticism, and stress. However, accepting this reality with the same level of kindness and empathy you would give to others, reduces the self-judgment and self-criticism, and leads to greater emotional stability and balance.
2. Common Humanity vs. Isolation
It can easily feel like you are alone in your failures, your short-comings, and feelings of inadequacy, but the difficulties you face and the pain and suffering you experience as a result are a basic part of being human. Being ‘human’ means that we are imperfect, we make mistakes, we feel vulnerable, and we are *gasp* mortal—yes, that’s right. Every human being, struggles, fails, and feels inadequate, and that makes it a shared human experience. Self-compassion involves you to recognize that these are things we all go through. We are very much, in the same boat.
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification
Self-compassion also requires mindfulness. Being mindful involves you to be willing to observe your thoughts and feelings with an open mind, without judgment, and without attempting to ignore or suppress them—e.g., being able to acknowledge your struggle and pain instead of suppressing it. It means you accept your thoughts and feelings, as they are, while also keeping yourself at the slightest distance from them. This balanced approach helps to avoid over-identifying with thoughts and feelings which can often lead to getting caught up in negative reactivity.
How can you Cultivate Greater Self-Compassion?
Excercise: How Would You Treat a friend?
Remember at the beginning of this post where you thought about how you would treat and respond to a good friend at a time when they were facing something difficult or painful, when they were struggling to manage and felt awful about themselves as a result? Hold that in your mind—what you would do, what you would say, and how you would say it. That is the first part of one of Neff’s recommended exercises to help you increase self-compassion. The next time you are facing something difficult or painful, when you find yourself struggling to manage, and feel awful about yourself as a result, imagine how you would like your best self to respond to a good friend, if they were to be in the same situation as you.
The second part? However, it is that you imagine yourself responding to your good friend, respond to yourself in the exact, same way! No excuses! Just kidding!!! It’s completely fine if you don’t get it on your first try. And, if you don’t, you have just given yourself yet another wonderful opportunity to try again by showing yourself kindness, understanding, embracing your humanness, and accepting that it sucks because it was not a perfect success. This is self-compassion!
For many of us, the idea of self-compassion may be a new and different way of treating ourselves, but as with anything, the more we can practice this and integrate it into our everyday experiences, the better we will become and eventually, self-compassion will feel more natural. With self-compassion, we can learn to provide ourselves with the care, comfort, support, and understanding that every one of us deserves to receive when faced with difficult and painful experiences. We have the power to give ourselves exactly what we are needing in moments when we feel overwhelmed, inadequate, and not good enough. We can literally be our loudest cheerleader, our greatest superhero, our biggest fan, and our most loving and empathetic best friend.
